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March 27th, 2009
03:11 pm - I'm sick. Again.
Homesick, specifically. Which is odd, because I'm home.
Back in my Wonderland. The caterpillar's gone. Good riddance.
Everything is better, brighter. I'm getting more adept at forgetting. It's good for me, I think. I still miss my Alice, but it's alright.
Right now, I'm eating fresh peaches with a knife. The yellow flesh parts smoothly when cold steel runs along it. It's rather relaxing, slicing this body paper-thin. It bleeds gold onto the black plate I'm cushioning it with. The peach is soft. It's like me. Easy to cut.
Current Location: Home, after a long trip.
Current Mood: content, for now.
Current Music: My room is quiet and dark.
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December 21st, 2008
08:11 pm - For the tenth time, he should have been here an hour ago.
Lately, my hands have been mysteriously acquiring small cuts -- there are three on my left hand and eight on my right. I don't know how they got there. I hope I'm not sleepwalking. Or sleep-cutting.
The doctors say I can visit family for the holidays.
I really miss my friends. I heard from Uchi that Kai is going to see Rein for Christmas, and all his cousins will be there. I'm sure it's going to be very fun. For Kai.
I don't want to see them.
I didn't get any presents. For anybody. They said I could recieve gifts here, but they'll be screened. Doesn't that defeat the purpose? It seems to me like opening presents before they're given takes all the magic out.
If you're reading this, I want to be where you are.
Christmas used to be such a great big deal for me. It was full of wonder for my little 6-year-old self. But more than anything, I wanted to share it with somebody. A very certain somebody, but.
That's not an option.
He's. Not going to be here.
He's dead.
Merry Christmas, everyone. I love you.
Current Location: Ah, Pioneer Courthouse square. I miss you.
Current Mood: Here.
Current Music: Bowlegged and Starving, Jay Brannan.
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November 16th, 2008
08:24 pm - It was better for a while. Wasn't it?
I
I...
I think. I think I'm slipping. Am. Am I?
Everything was so bright. It was... good.
Current Location: I... I don't know anymore.
Current Music: Is that my heartbeat?
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10:00 am - I think I forgot something very important.
Kai; I still love you. Uchi showed me a picture of your new piercings and I'm envious. How's Chicago? Send me a postcard or something one of these days.
Nisshi; Try to keep out of trouble. I heard you're back in Korea -- say hi to your parents for me. Be sure not to pick on Kara-chan too much, she's a sensitive girl at heart.
Kara-chan; Be good to yourself. And Nisshi. Don't forget about your friends and don't worry about me. I'll be out of here before you know it.
Rein; Kai's been waiting a long time; spit it out. You're the one who told me not to be scared, it's time for you to take your own advice. He won't be here forever.
Babbi-chan; Keep smiling. I know you don't need me there to make you shine, you've got lightbulbs in your ears. Keep Kai-chan out of trouble and give Nisshi and Kara hugs from me.
Meraka; SLOW DOWN. College is not a race. Be good to your girlfriend; she's waiting for you. Don't forget your friends, they'd all get lost on the bus without you.
Jitei; Good luck. I know you're strong enough, I know you can do it. You just need to be sure of yourself. Make sure Meraka doesn't forget to eat in college, you know he will.
Uchi; Remember what I said before.
Alice; Keep it up, darling.
Everyone else who reads this; take care of my friends. They're all hopeless. I love you guys.
Current Location: On my way out. Soon.
Current Music: My guitar never fails me.
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November 9th, 2008
08:54 pm - Higher and higher! She spirals away, but I'm not worried, because I know she'll wait for me!
Be serious, man!
You're delirious, furious, needing to see her, it's
not what you think!
I swear!
Says the shrink.
Hah. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
I'm sick of this place and I NEED to get out.
More sane than the pills they stuff down my throat,
I'm on my way out, got my shoes and my coat.
I don't need you people, I'm done with your shit,
If it means off to prison, then hell, so be it.
Better than this, day out and day in,
my patience is gone and my sanity thin.
So I'll give you one chance to show you're a man,
Otherwise, you've got a corpse on your hands.
Current Location: I wonder how long it'll take to bleed to death.
Current Music: Is that a funeral procession I hear? Hope so.
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November 3rd, 2008
07:13 pm - It's been a while. I'm still here.
How did I fall in love?
Some one asked me the other day. Was it Dorthy? My March hare? It certainly wasn't that caterpillar. The Cheshire cat? I can't remember.
But I do remember falling.
For that pretty girl.
Too much to say and too small a world.
Hair dirty blond, or light brown with highlights?
A two hour train ride, it's almost midnight.
Do you respect who you're attracted to?
I always feel safer with my back to you.
Two cigarette packs, why can't you relax?
I'm just stating facts, there's no going back.
Cos see I've got a policy, never
give up on a girl till she gives up on
me.
This one's so stubborn I think I'll be here,
waiting it out for the rest of my years.
But here's the big secret, I don't think I told you,
I don't mind at all, cos I'm just getting older
and that's life's big punch line,
we only start dying when everything's fine.
Miracles aren't such a big deal,
I just don't see the mighty appeal.
She's too good for him and her patience's worn thin,
so a kick in the shin, I totally win,
she told me.
And now I see.
It's not her eyes or devilish demeanor,
Because then, my heartbreak might have been cleaner.
The reason I love her I'll never forget,
because she's the first real girl that I've met.
Current Location: Guess.
Current Music: I have my guitar.
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September 18th, 2008
08:32 pm - Only young men laugh at dying.
Dead men dance. A gun strapped to my hands, I didn't do it, I didn't, wouldn't, never.
Doesn't matter. Pull back his head, ripping out my hair. Throat exposed, I can feel the knife hovering over my skin, smooth and gentle. It'll be quick, they promise.
Too late. I woke up again, screaming, screaming, let me go, please.
Sobbing. Choking, lights are still out, can't see anything. Will They condemn me the same way? Have they, already?
It changes colors, dancing around my head like it's something fake, a hallucination. It's not, it's there every time I don't turn my head. A bird sitting on my shoulder. Made of lead. It's too heavy, it's breaking my bones, can't.
I can't.
Don't ever say it. Even if it's true. Because it doesn't matter if you can, the fact is that you will.
Current Location: I can't see anything. Have I gone blind?
Current Music: Quick, uneven breaths. Are they mine? Or is someone
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September 11th, 2008
12:05 pm
Too human. That heartbeat is too loud. It pounds on my head, a gong inside my chest.
In my dream, I come to see her.
She says she doesn't want a song. I know better. She lives for music. It's her only medium for survival.
I sing for her and she laughs. Dances with me. She says I'm the only person she can dance with without tripping. I say she pays too much attention to her feet. She says if that's true, the reason she can dance with me is because she can't look away from my face.
I kiss her.
Wake up.
Take more pills. Play my guitar.
I sit with Dorthy sometimes. I don't know if she's aware of my presence, but it's nice to be with somebody else who doesn't belong in this plane. It makes me feel like somehow, we'll both be able to go home one day.
I go back to sleep and dream again.
Current Location: Here. Always here, even when I leave.
Current Music: It changes.
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September 1st, 2008
08:42 pm - Go to sleep, Alice. I need to see you again.
I hear him crying at night, in my dreams. He hurts.
He can't. Couldn't. Never was given the chance.
Plastic leaves on pumpkin trees, honeybees and windmills. A little bluebird, with wide, innocent eyes.
For sale, baby shoes. Never worn.
Shoulder panes
Delayed planes.
Much too plain
To make a difference.
Starving for affection, open sores and bleeding wounds, dripping through the wire mesh to be forgotten next week.
D i d y o u f o r g e t ?
I did.
Current Location: These streets are familiar. But the perspective is new.
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August 25th, 2008
11:41 pm - I guess I forgot how to turn my feelings on. Or maybe it was off...?
I know you're unhappy now. I know you hurt. I know you worry.
That's the kind of person you are.
But know this, dear. Know that if I could be there now, I would hold you to my chest and never let you go. I would let you scream and cry about how unfair it is. How horrible they are. I know, I know. God, I do.
This week, even at the worst of that sickness, when I felt I would turn inside out and throw up my heart and lungs, I laughed at the discomfort and pain, because it is nothing to missing you. Knowing how you feel now and not being able to stop it, not being able to hug you and tell you it'll all be okay.
There's no comparison. I would, given the choice, throw up all my organs to be able to comfort you.
That being said, that fucking caterpillar is never. Ever. Giving me those mushrooms again.
He thinks that changing my size and shape will change my insides.
Clearly, he does not know his anatomy.
One heart, still bleeding in all the right places. Lungs, kidneys, intestines, stomach. There in case I need to throw up again. Two legs, bowed and broken. A head, on which rests a tall black hat.
One cheery grin, tucked into the deepest part of me. Hidden where he can't find it, where he never will. That last thing he can't take from me, because I'm saving it for when I see you again.
Current Location: My two eyes see two different settings. Both are gray.
Current Music: I can still hear the rain pounding on the windows.
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August 14th, 2008
09:54 pm - Day 145, Patient ID 32.
I wrote you your song.
They let me outside today. The sun came out. I laid on the ground for hours, just letting it soak into my skin. It's been so long. Too long. Windows can't do it justice. Bars however slim are too thick.
I've become so pale. But today, the purple bruises ringing my eyes disappeared, and my hair shone, soft and silky like you always liked it. You said it looked like a crow's feathers. I said it looked like horsehair.
We laughed.
I laughed today.
When I thought of you. Laying on the pavement, no shirt, no shoes, not looking for service. I laughed and laughed and it was real. No pills, no masks, nobody watching or caring.
I was so. Happy.
Because somehow, I knew in my heart that you were, too.
Current Location: Back inside but no longer caged.
Current Mood: So, so happy.
Current Music: I kept playing your song over and over, even when they took my guitar back.
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August 11th, 2008
04:37 am - Tearor. Funny girl, she is.
Silly Alice, you shouldn't be up so late. You have things to do tomorrow.
They gave me back my guitar.
The March hare stopped by today for tea. It was very nice.
I'm writing an accompaniment to your song.
No more throwing up! I'm very happy about that.
I'll sing it to you one day, I promise.
If it kills me, I'll get out of here.
Current Location: Arkham. That's a new one.
Current Music: It'll sound like that song you love so much. It's the same beat, after all.
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August 8th, 2008
01:14 pm - You can always outshine me so easily, like a red star next to a candle flame.
She never wanted a dime,
just a book of good rhymes,
a guitar and maybe some food.
She sees the world through her laptop and a pair of broken glasses,
She doesn't take shit and likes to go and kick some asses.
It's a shame she never went to school,
'Cos she's so...
'Fuck this fucking shit,' is her war cry, she can make fireworks,
and a mean cherry pie.
It isn't a choice, it's a life, it's a way,
which works out for her, and she gets through okay.
She loves. She likes. She spits. She fights.
She's everything that mothers tell their sons not to be,
and everyone knows it,
'cause she's happy.
Beautiful, Alice.
Current Location: Watching the fireworks from afar.
Current Mood: proud, impressed
Current Music: I wonder if I can write a guitar line for it...?
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01:41 am - Jay Brannan. I like him.
Three weeks and counting till he's on his way to France,
not a dime in his pockets but a ticket in his hands.
He's a cynical bastard,
but there's hope in his eyes
it's been a long time coming
been a long time running from his insights
he tries hard to songwrite out of bed,
but nothing tastes as clever as it sounded in his head
he wants to get his teeth wet and sink his feet in
he should have millions of dollars,
cos every asshole's put two cents in.
And he writes the songs,
yeah he can say what he wants,
yeah he can be who he wants to,
And they say he's wrong,
but they keep tagging along,
and they can leave if they want to
And his way will never meet yours.
He's got the world on his back, watch him,
take it,
on all fours.
Nine out of ten motherfuckers agree
that his fucking foul language is a fucking travesty.
But 'Motherfucking fuck' is to him just a word,
the idea a word is dirty is to him fuckin' absurd.
And he writes the songs,
yeah he can say what he wants,
yeah he can be who he wants to,
And they say he's wrong,
but they keep tagging along,
and they can leave if they want to
And his way will never meet yours.
He's got the world on his back, watch him,
take it,
on all fours.
Current Location: I like dancing to this song.
Current Music: On all fours, Jay Brannan.
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01:01 am - Why can't I think of anyone else...?
I hear you aren't doing so well, Alice. Perhaps a song would cheer you up? I can't sing it to you, even over the phone. But I found the words to that one you love. Maybe, if you take a short walk in Wonderland, you'll remember my voice enough to hear me sing it to you. Here are the words, anyway.
You are prince charming
onto the next princess when he’s bored with the last
he’s the hero of every story
he’s got his chapter in every girl’s book
he walks away with all the honor and glory
but I wonder what else he took
Goodbye, prince charming
and drown sleeping beauty
shove Cinderella’s slipper where the sun don’t shine
toss the little mermaid back out to sea
cuz the fairy godmother had to perform another abortion today
and the seven dwarves live in the forest, of course, cuz they were driven away
but this part of the story could spark a cultural rage
so at the sound of the tone we just turn the page
Well, that’s the way the fairy tale goes
boy meets girl and they wed with roses
but that’s not the way it seems to me
and I’m pissed that they lied to me
cuz boy meets boy and boy runs away
or girl meets girl and she’s afraid to stay
we end up home alone watching court tv
not living ever after happily.
Starting today, we'll tell the story my way.
I bet your Romeo (or is it Juliet?) can't sing as well.
Current Location: Come and visit me, Alice. You know where I am.
Current Music: Ever After Happily.
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August 6th, 2008
08:02 pm - I can see you very well from here.
Alice.
Oh Alice.
It's good to know you're happy. I hope you stay that way.
I still love you.
Current Location: Does it ever go away?
Current Music: I forget the sound of your voice.
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August 5th, 2008
09:48 pm - Day 134; Patient ID 32.
Shut your filthy mouth, ten-legged freak. You don't know what you're thinking.
This isn't working.
These pills won't make it go away.
I threw up again.
Current Location: Where did my Wonderland go?
Current Music: It's dead quiet here.
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06:02 am
Make the best of today, Alice.
Tomorrow might not be so nice. It's usually not as gentle as today.
It could throw you a fastball, and
BAM!
you're flat on your back. Maybe, you'll still have your head on right. Maybe, you can still walk straight. Maybe your arms won't be bent into pretzels, bones shattered muscles torn. Maybe it won't be so bad.
Maybe, you'll wake up married.
To a beautiful boy. He adores you so.
Maybe tomorrow is very nice to you. Maybe maybe, it may be all along. After all, tomorrow is only today not happened yet. Is there anything really to be afraid of? It's not me to decide who you're scared of. Maybe you're scared of deep water. Maybe you're scared of a mean old man who hurts you. Maybe you're scared of tomorrow.
Or today.
What a horrible thing to be afraid of. Today is always very polite to me, at least. Don't let it be mean to you, Alice.
You're far to fair to be shoved around by today. I'll beat it into submission for you, master it for you, so you don't have to worry about today. Today will always be your favorite, when I'm done with it. I'll show you how to make the best of today.
I promise.
Current Location: Wishing I could see you.
Current Music: Tap, tap, tap.
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August 4th, 2008
05:41 pm - Some say, some do. What to do, when everything is said and done?
Gone, gone. Pretty little Alice left me again.
Found herself a Romeo, a knightinshiningarmor.
Ah, my Alice. So fair, so wicked.
Remorse is worth nothing. Relief is a blessing not wasted on the damned.
Why do they call us damned? Because all our joy is held back, kept hidden, by some unknown yet unbreakable force? Why are we damned? For broken hearts, broken legs, a sanity worn away by the friction of time and S P A C E .
A L L T H A T S P A C E .
In an empty town, there's no limit to space.
To create. To destroy. To feel, to taste,
to dance.
Where the wind goes, only that damn can know. That damn, which holds some treasure from me.
Makes me damned.
Makes me mad.
That invisible damn. What to do with that damn.
Current Location: Can I find that damn? Where would it hide from a person like
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01:29 am - To forever and never, my best friends.
Tap, tap, tap. Thrumming blood, a wonderland.
Ah, Wonderland. My hometown.
The streets slant sideways, cobblestones bent. Tall buildings swirl in an ever-gray sky. A leering purple cat prances, up and down walls and streets and alleyways. Wherever he pleases.
Tap, tap tap.
A cane, jeweled top and sleek black body, wicked grin proudly still in place.
The hat.
Oh, that infamous hat, my trademark, my name. Tell me, Hattie, why do they say you are mad? Because you're all alone in this dreary old town, this barren wonderland. Where is she, that pretty little Alice? Did she l e a v e you, p o o r soul, all a l o n e in this o l d c i t y , no o n e to take care of you but a m a r c h hare and a l a u g hing purple C A T ?
No, silly caterpillar. Why do you suppose time still denies you your wings? Because you are not yet wise to the ways of the world. They say I'm ɹǝʇʇɐɥ ɐ sɐ pɐɯ because I like this town.
I like it, with the streetlights and their empty glow all warped and gummy. I like how time flows, in some places fast and others slow and some places
NOTATALL.
I like it this way.
I like it that nobody can hear my
TAP TAP TAP
dancing feet on this empty avenue.
It's why, silly caterpillar, I came here.
It's why, little fool,
I have my wings and you do NOT.
Current Location: Ah, my lovely Wonderland.
Current Music: Tap, tap, tap
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